Harry Potter and a look through a magazine
by Aconitum
Summary: Harry has the sudden urge to firm his breasts and Ron has an infatuation with ridding the world of Blue Birds. Finished. Just some drivel my sister and I wrote.
1. Chapter 1

Harry Potter and a Look Through a Magazine

**Disclaimer:** Nothing is mine except the Muggle Pediatric Cough Syrup and the magazine that spawned this fic.

**Chapter One**

Harry Potter was sitting on the toilet one day after having eaten natures hastiest laxative. He wished he hadn't eaten an entire watermelon because everybody within 10 inches of the boys bathroom had been knocked out. Madam Pomfrey wasn't pleased. Harry looked around for something to read while he was waiting for the...er...waste to be removed. He found a magazine that was fairly new and after a while of flipping through the pages he came across an add and was highly interested in it. "Hmmmm" he said "It would be cool to have firmer breasts in thirty days." He stood up and looked through the medicine cabinet hoping to find the ingredients to the potion. He found all of the items except for muggle pediatric cough syrup. He was very disappointed. Then it struck him...Hermoine most likely had that in her trunk or could probably whip some up. So he wandered over to the girls dormitories and went into Hermoine's dorm room. He went into her trunk and found the cough syrup and stood up to find that Hermoine had just dropped a huge book on the floor."HARRY!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PUT SOME PANTS ON!!"Hermoine yelled

Harry quickly looked down and realized what was the matter and before he could zip up Colin Creevey - a second year who positively adored Harry- took this moment of opportunity and snapped a picture of Harry. Harry hoped that he had zipped up before Colin took his picture and walked off. Harry was back in his dorm and panting hard. Hoping that the film wouldn't develop right he told Ron what just happened.

"What happened?! said Ron stifling back laughter.

"I was looking for the ingredients to firm my breasts more and I couldn't find pediatric cough syrup so I went into Hermoine's room and I forgot to zip up. Hermoine saw me and Colin took a picture." he said in a calm voice as if this happened every day.

"But Harry, - two questions-, how could you forget to zip up?"

Harry glared at him

"Oh.... oh and um Harry...do you think i could firm my breasts more too. They've just been hanging there."

Ron lifted up his shirt and showed Harry. Harry was just disgusted. It was like looking underneath a grandma's bra.

"Yeah...we'll triple the batch. I'll take one serving and you can take two. Now please pull your shirt down."

"Okay...but I don't think that's natural" said Ron pointing at one breast that was twitching violently.

"OKAY. I got the point now pull down you're shirt so I can concentrate. Okay how about this. We need these things and I have the pediatric cough syrup so all we needs is the...the......the......................um.............................ah... ............................................................................ ............................................................................ ............................................................................ ............................................................................ ............................................................................ ............................................................................ ............................................................................ ............................................................................ ............................................................................ ............................................................................ ............................................................................ ............................................................................ ............................................................................ ............................................................................ ............................................................................ ............................................................................ ............................................................................ ............................................................................ OH I GOT IT!!! The thing that we need is rice.

"It took you half an hour to remember that we need rice for the potion?" said Ron looking up from the game of solitaire he had been playing.

"Yeah...it takes me an hour to remember how to cook rice too. So if you ever want to cook rice and don't know how, ask me two hours a head of time, ok?"

".......You wanna watch T.V.?"

"....okay."

They turned on the T.V., and almost at once a loud voice from the screen said:

"DRUGS,FAME,MONEY AND GREED TORE THEM APART...CAN IT BRING THE FAMILY BACK TOGETHER AGAIN?"

The theme to "Behind The Music" played.

"...so now at Christmas we pass around the big family bong, and everyone forgets their troubles."said the drugie on the screen.

Harry was laughing but Ron wasn't -he didn't understand the concept of drugs. So Harry explained it to him.

"...and there really expensive." said Harry with a sigh." But the dealers make a huge profit off of it."

"BUT it's illegal." said Ron

"Well I'm just saying they make a ton of money."

"But IT'S illegal." said Ron

"I know. I'm just..."

"But it's ILLEGAL." said Ron

Harry stared at Ron with the look of "Ron, you're a fucking idiot." on his face, which quickly changed to fear as Ron lifted up his shirt again, watching his involuntary man boob twitch.

"Stop that." said Harry

They went to bed about a half an hour later.

Harry dreamed that he was in the Great Hall with Ron when Ron decided to strip down to his diaper and swing a cat by the tail screaming "I'm the biggest idiot ever!"

Harry woke up with a burning desire for lemonade.

Ron dreamed that he was in the middle of potions class when he realized that he didn't have a cauldron in front of him. He was about to bring this to Snape's attention when he saw that Snape was much too busy with painting his nails green and silver. So doing what Ron did best, he did did nothing until the thought occurred to him that he could make his tit twitch.

Ron woke up and without any hesitation, he threw his goblet at Harry who was mumbling something about jelly cheese rolls. Then after that, he lifted up his shirt and began to try to control the twitching boob.

"HEY HARRY WAKE UP LOOK AT WHAT I CAN DO BY WILL NOW!!" said Ron excitedly

" Wha?" said Harry staring sleepily at Ron.

Ron lifted up his shirt to reveal his wrinkly man boob and began to make it 'dance'.

Harry stared at him with the thought '_It's too early for me to see his wrinkly boob_' "That's great" said Harry not the least bit interested. "Where's Seamus, Neville,and Dean?"

"Start of the Christmas vacation Harry" said Ron staring at Harry as though he had three nostrils.

"Look at that bird out the window...Doesn't it look like someone?''

Scared that Ron might make Harry look out the window his own way, He turned his head just enough to see a blue feathered figure in a tree and then drop to the ground only to run off laughing.

The maniac was running around in circles in the vicinity of Hagrid's house, laughing like the insane being that he was "Heeheeheeheehee! HEEHEEHEEHEE!"

"Do you think he saw my breast twitching?" asked Ron suspiciously

"Why would he care?" asked Harry

"Well he could sell the idea to a company and then make a fortune while they made little whachmacallits to make you're breast twitch....hey do you think it was Snape"

".............no I think that it was a crazed loon"

Ron jumped up to the windowsill and scowled so much that his eyes were just slits in his face.

"He's not taking my breast away...N E V E R!!!! H A H AH AH AH AH AH AHA AHAHA MWA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA BWA MWA HAHAHAH BWA HAHAHAHA HYUCK HYUCK HYUCK!"

Ron stopped laughing and dropped to the floor having some sort of fit. Harry just stepped over Ron's rolling, coughing figure and ran down the dormitory stairs after he had left.

"HERMOINE!" exclaimed Harry

Hermoine turned around and turned beet red, apparently having not forgotten the incident so quickly.

"HARRY!!! HARRY HARRY HARRY HARRY HARRY!!THE FILM WAS DEVELOPED!!said little Coilin Creevey "WILLYA SIGN IT??HUH HUH WILLYA?"

Harry took the picture from Colin and looked at it for a split second before putting it into his back pack.

"SO WILLYA SIGN IT HARRY??" his face looking eager.

"Sign what" said Harry casually?

"Sign the picture of you with your..."

"NO!'' screamed Harry 'it is an extremely embarrassing picture of me. I do not want to be seen signing something such as that.'' Harry ran out of the common room with his hands high above his head screaming something about potatoes.

"DON'T WORRY HARRY! I GOT TONS OF DUPLICATES!!" cried Collin after Harry

Harry entered his dorm and found Ron all curled up and asleep in the corner with a notebook that had drool all over it. Harry pried the notebook from Ron's slippery grasp and read his Hippogriff scrawl:

**Plans to destroy Blue Birds**

"_Oh God this can't mean anything good_" thought Harry

_I Ron Weasley hereby claim that Blue Birds were sent here by the Devil. I want to make notes of my research and findings about this heinous creatures. I will make notes of their weaknesses and of what they are after. Also who they promote as their leader. Do they vote for a new leader? Are they that smart? Where are their nesting grounds? Are they tasty when marinated? Who knows these answers? No one. But I will make it my life dream to find out. So far they seem to be after my twitching breast which I seem to have lost. I can no longer make it twitch by will and a blue maniac was the last one to see me do it. Hmmmm... I seem to have lost my train of thought on the other hand here on the steps to eliminate these vile creatures:_

**Step One:** _We find out their nesting grounds_

**Step Two:** _We go to the store and buy blue bird costumes_

**Step Three:** _We disguise ourselves as blue birds._

**Step Four:** _We act how they act_

**Step Five:** _We try to convince them that we have great drugs that are illegal yet satisfying._

**Step Six:** _We kill cat's and douse them in BBQ sauce_

**Step Seven:** [_haven't thought of step seven yet_]

Harry turned the page to find that it was filled with drawings of the giant blue bird apparently too immersed in swallowing it's own eggs, to notice that Ron was creeping up behind it, knife in hand and ready to strike.

"Oh.. this isn't _too_ disturbing." Harry said to himself.

"Whozat" screamed Ron "WHO SAID THAT? Oh you're here to steal my book right?" Ron said as he tore the book out of Harry's grasp. "Never touch my stuff again." and then Ron smiled and pinched Harry's cheeks..."Or else I'll kill you. " and then walked off.

Harry sighed and looked out the window. He still hadn't made the potion to make your breasts firmer. So he got everything out.

"Damn." he said " I still don't have muggle's pediatric cough syrup." Harry had to let the potion simmer for a couple of days anyway before adding the muggle's pediatric cough syrup. He looked out the window and saw the man in the blue bird suit only this time he was doing something. He was chasing a dog with BBQ sauce. Harry watched on in amusement. He had done that the previous summer with Duddly. Oh how the memories pile on. Harry then noticed that the dog wasn't the dog, it was Ron. He slapped his forehead when Ron started yelling for help at his "animal friends" which consisted of a wolf, and a tiger.

"Oh Christ."

Harry ran out there to find a couple of very large blue feathers, the two vicious animals hog tied and Ron gnawing at the Blue Bird who was screaming for help. The "bird" managed to escape and Harry pulled Ron back and he let out a ferocious bark.

"Down boy... no...not on the grounds.......NO RON THERE'S A TOILET INSIDE THE CASTLE! NOOOOOOOOOO NOT ON MY LEG!!!"

Ron let out a sigh of relief as Harry tried to get the unmentionable off his leg.


	2. Chapter 2

Harry was in the bathroom yet again trying to get the smell out of his clothes.

"Damn Ron...pretending he was a dog. I know Hermoine would most likely know how to get the smell out of these clothes!"

So once again he made his way to the girls dormitory.And once again he made his way into Hermoine's dorm.

"Hermoine...I need you to get the smell out of my clothes! Ron crapped on my leg and now I can't get the smell out of my pants."

Acting as if this were a hobby of Ron's to crap on his friends leg, Hermione without question waved her wand, and the offending odor was out of Harry's pants.

"Thanks Hermoine." Harry said and then left the dorm.

Harry went down to the Great Hall the next day for some breakfast. He saw Ron and slapped his forehead. Ron was standing up on one of the tabled drawing a crowd with a spiel about how the blue bird are creatures that should be killed. He was telling them about the run in with the blue bird he had yesterday and how he would have killed one that was trying to take away his twitching breast.

"I used to be able to twitch my breast by will. But now I can't" Ron said and lifted up his shirt to prove it.

"RON GET DOWN HERE!" Professor McGonagall was making her way over to Ron through the crowd of idiotic students.

"Mr. Weasley, put down your shirt and stop all this nonsense about blue birds."

"OH MY GOD! I KNEW IT! YOUR A BLUE BIRD TOO!!!!!"

Ron jumped on the back of Professor McGonagall demanding that she show her 'true self'.

"That's it..ow... Mr. Weasley you have detention for a month owww. STOP BITING ME!"

Ron was now gnawing on her head and yelling for his 'animal friends' to come and help him get rid of the imposter and help free the real McGonagall. Everyone who had thought that Ron was telling an amazing but true tale now backed away in fear.

"RON STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING NOW!!" screamed Harry

Ron seemed to have lost all control and started to rip out McGonagall's hair savagely with his teeth. Harry shrugged and joined Ron and relized that it was great fun.

McGonagall was pacing back and forth in her office. Massive hair was lost but right now she could care less. Harry and Ron sat there in her office while little bits of McGongall's hair stuck between their teeth.

"What possessed you into doing this Mr.Weasley? Mr.Potter what on earth made you join in with Mr. Weasley's insane behavior."

Harry looked down to the floor and mumbled. "Sorry sir. It will never happened again sir. Please don't expel me sir."

This seemed to outrage her even more "Mr. Potter you had absolutely no right to join in. Mr. Weasley has a reason to have done what he did. I believe that he is a very good at the art of persuasion. In which case he actually believed himself." They both looked over to Ron who was now gnawing on his leg.

"You were saying?" Harry asked.

"You are dismissed until morning." Professor McGonagall said with a definite note of fear.

When they were out of the office Ron said to Harry

"Well at last _I_ had a reason to act like that._You_ didn't." Ron said with a smug smile.

"Yeah but then again she got scared and didn't give us detention."

"That was my plan all along." Ron said lazily

"No it wasn't"

"You're right...it wasn't. How did you figure this one out Mr.Bond?"

"..........................Riiiiiiiiiiiiight."

"We'll meet again Mr. Bond." Ron-who suddenly has a scary looking wig posing as a cat and stroking it every few seconds- gets out of this bizarre screen with a unicorn and says:

"RIDE LIKE THE WIND AND IMPALE WITH YOUR HORN!!!"

"............................................................Be back before dinner Ron"

"But Harrrrrrrry ....."

"No buts....I wanna see your keister in that hall by 6:00 tonight in time for dinner"

"But but I was gonna go on an insane rampage" Ron said a little depressed.

"IT'S 9:30 IN THE MORNING!!!YOU NEED EIGHT AND A HALF HOURS TO COMPLETE AN INSANE RAMPAGE??"

"You'd be surprised in how long these things can last. One time one of mine lasted for three days."

"When was this?"

"Remember when I told you that the **PIGS** came and abducted me and tortured me on a spaceship?"

".......Yeah.....?"

"Well it was the other way around. Except of course I killed them, roasted them over a flame. I had bacon and pork0chops and other delicious things that December morn ." Ron licked his lips in memory.

"**Letter** **one:** It wasn't December it was October. **Number ****B:** Where did you get a spaceship from? and finally **Circle:** That's just disturbing."

"Well you see Harry this is how I got the spaceship.........._I __stole it from the _**_PIGS_**_ okay_?!"

"OOOOkay...you're just scaring me now."

"Thank you a thank you" Ron said bowing a little on the unicorn which was multi-colored.

"Ummm...Ron....is your unicorn uhhh...." Harry shook his hand from side to side.

"Yup...GAY PRIDE UNICORN COMING THROUGH!!!" said Ron as he slapped the horses rear end.

Later on

Harry was gettin worried; it was 6:03 and Ron was supposed to be back at 6:00. Ron walked through the entrance three minutes later. He looked like he had had it rough.

"Do you know what it's like to jump from a spaceship and just magically land behind a bush before the **PIGS** get you?" Ron asked staring off into space.

"Ummm...no I can't say that I have."

"Well...neither do I." Ron stated

"Why are you so...messed up?"

"Ahhh.. that unicorn met another unicorn and ran off. I fell off the unicorn and walked here.Ho-hum"

" Uhhhh...we need to get started on that potion Ron....Ron....RoN! RON!!"

"Yeah I heard you...we need to kill people with an alligator and rabid moths."

"Nooooo... we need to get started on that potion. It should be ready by tomorrow night if we put everything into it right after dinner."

"But I'm not hungry...I just ate an entire field of grass for fifty galleons." Ron showed Harry the gold coins.

"That's great..."

Later On

"Okay we just need to add Muggle pediatric cough syrup" said Harry. Something always bad happened when he said that.

"Oh here's some...I swiped it from Hermoine when she wasn't looking. Heheh. I was sick so I thought if I took this stuff it would make me even more sick. But It didn't do anything. It tasted like orange candy so I kept it. There's still some let though." Ron tossed the half empty bottle to Harry.

Harry added the medicine and then a cloud of smoke appeared in the shape of the very thing that they needed to firm.

two hours later

"Harry when do we know when the potion is ready?"

"I don't know Ron and will you stop poking me with that stick?"

As if by magic..Ron stopped... and another -as if by magic- scene took place and smoke arose from the cauldron in the form of the words: '_It's ready._'

So they took some of the potion and put it on their breasts. Almost at once Ron's saggy boobs were firmed and looked like muscles; the same went for Harry.

"Wow." they both said.

They applied this to their stomachs and now they had good looking bodies. They looked out the window to see that the Blue bird was out there still hanging in his tree. They threw the rest of the potion on top of the blue bird. The blue bird turned into a really hot guy and then got impaled by the unicorns.

"You are the weakest link...goodbye!" said Ron waving.

**Epilogue**

So now Ron and Harry had no reason to fear that they were going to be made fun of at the beach for wearing a shirt all the time. Ron could make his boob still twitch by will and had finished his plan to get rid of blue birds. Unfortunately for him the blue birds came to his house and took the notebook away. Harry was now in the mental hospital because of all the torturous things Ron had done to him. To this day Ron still visits Harry with his unicorn and Harry still thinks that raccoons are pointy kitties. Colin Creevey forgot all about the picture of Harry and got married to Hermoine. She was drunk.VERY drunk. Professor McGonagall has grown back all her hair until that fateful day when Ron showed up and ripped it all out with his teeth once more. After he escaped her clutches, he ran off to make a toupee for his unicorn who was complaining about having all white hair. And as for Grena-the grass- hopper, she was eaten by a squirrel. The author of this fanfic didn't know any better and wrote this entire thing by herself...she's so proud of herself allows herself to grin now if you'll excuse me, .I have to get back to my waffles before they burn completely. in the back groundOH NO MY GOD-DAMNED WAFFLES ARE BURNED!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! OH NOOOOO!!!!! MY BROWNIES WERE NEVER MADE AND MY DRINK IS ALL GONE!! WHYYYYYYYY???!!!! looks to see that people are still reading heheh ummm...waffle?

Please Review this story.If you do I'll make you a waffle that isn't burned or I'll make some existent brownies. Or you could just do it cause it was a good story? No I figured it wasn't that good.


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